Thursday, 19 February 2015

Liars & Thieves

We have a family joke, of sorts, about liars & thieves.  

Meaning we consider ourselves liars & thieves

I was explaining this to a friend of mine a few years back adding that our family descends from the gypsies. Wow, really? he said. No, I replied. I just told you I was a liar.

The liars & thieves phrase stems from my Granny on my mother's side. She lived in the interior of BC at the turn of the century, her father being both preacher and hanging judge in a small town. Or at least that's the family story (perhaps the original lie...). Gran didn't care for the indigenous folks in the area, citing them as all liars & thieves. Well in the 1990s my husband at the time found this quite hilarious and took every opportunity to give my Gran a reason to regale stories of the barbarians and their repulsive behaviours. Yuck she'd say as she shook her head in disgust.

My stepfather, although of a different bloodline, really epitomized the liar portion. My mother would say Are his lips moving? Truth be told he was quite the historian and of great intelligence hidden behind a deadpan face just taunting you to call bullshit on the seemingly outrageous crap he was shoveling. Trivial Pursuit was not the game to play with him, though my brother and I would enjoy cheating should we find ourselves in said predicament. Liars & thieves, indeed.

Not long ago my son was heading out the door and we did the usual exchange. He returned barely 15 minutes later, certainly not long enough to do whatever he'd said he was doing.

Mom, I lied he said. I didn't have to, I'm not even sure why I did. In fact sometimes I just lie cause I feel like it.

Brought tears to my eyes. Love that boy.

I watched my stepfather beam with pride listening to another son answer my phone one afternoon.
No she's not available. Actually it's now Ron. I'm going through my gender reassignment surgery and it's going very well thank you for asking...

The thieving part is a whole other category and not quite what you think. It's more of a taking advantage of any available free stuff. One year my daughter and I made an attempt to fill each other's Christmas stockings with such items. It didn't really turn out as well as I envisioned. Chopsticks & wetnaps have no business in a Christmas stocking... just sayin'

One of my finer family experiences in thievery was definitely out of necessity. My daughter & I went to Disneyland for her birthday - my operating capital was slim in those days and a portion of our spending budget was in prepaid credit cards. Note to self - do not use Canadian cards in the States. Delayed transactions, funds frozen pending whatever... frustration and fear...

The night before we're to fly home I am literally counting pennies to cover all possible costs we'll encounter on the way. Magically the ATM gave me $20 ... thank you Angel of Desperate Moms. On the way back to our room after one-last-swim in the pool I noticed the wrapped leftovers on the neighbour's room service cart. I snagged a couple of bread items and a fruit cup.

I am hysterically laughing. So is my girl. We're being resourceful I say. Then she notices the absence of butter. Really?  But that beautiful face wants butter for her stolen bun and I oblige.  Game on!

Even my saintly mother has dabbled in the family farce. She is completely irritated by vehicle seat belt shoulder straps for a myriad of reasons (probably some psychological but she would never admit it).

When the nice police officer that pulled her over questioned the lack of shoulder belt use, she explained her recent mastectomy made it quite uncomfortable as the area was still quite tender.

Well played. I bow down to thee great liar mother of mine.

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